The man. The skater. The “South Park” punchline.

Boitano will show off his skating grace and mastery during the “Hallmark Skating Showcase” tonight (April 25) at the World Arena (in Colorado Springs). Serious stuff.

But if you’re a fan of Comedy Central’s irreverent cartoon, it’s hard to see Boitano’s name and not sing that “South Park” song. You know, “What would Brian Boitano do / If he was here right now … “

No offense, Brian, but as impressive as your professional dossier is (50 titles, including 23 international gold medals, two world titles, two Pro/Am titles, 16 professional titles, four U.S. national titles and the Olympic gold medal) it’s far more fun to imagine you fighting grizzly bears and beating up Kublai Khan than doing skating tricks. Lucky for us, you also have a solid sense of humor. And so, for the record, we ask, “Brian, what would you do?

Q1: If Satan were choking on a pretzel, would you give him the Heimlich maneuver?

BRIAN BOITANO: No.

Q2: You’re alone on the planet and you have enough water to either drink for a year or skate until you die of thirst. What do you do?

BRIAN BOITANO: I would probably drink for a year.

Q3: You break your 1988 Olympic gold medal and inside you find information revealing who killed Kennedy. What do you do with it?

BRIAN BOITANO: I’d share the information, but I wouldn’t give my gold medal to the FBI.

Q4: You’re in the middle of the best performance of your career and you suddenly realize you forgot to turn your oven off. What do you do?

BRIAN BOITANO: Concentrate on what’s in front of me.

Q5: You happen upon a fight between Tanya Harding and Saddam Hussein. One has a blunt object while the other has chemical weapons. What do you do?

BRIAN BOITANO: Hope the chemical weapons can disintegrate the blunt object.

Q6: Martha Stewart offers you inside trading information that will save millions of lives, but cripple a multinational corporation. Do you invest?

BRIAN BOITANO: (laughing) No way!

Q7: You get to choose the sponsor of the 2003 Iraqi reconstruction. Is it Coke or Pepsi?

BRIAN BOITANO: Well, I would choose Dr. Pepper.

Q8: You’re driving alone and you hit a patch of ice and your car starts to fishtail. Do you try to correct it or try to do tricks?

BRIAN BOITANO: You try to do tricks, of course. See if you can get as many spins out of it. See if you can do a quad turn.

Q9: It’s brought to your attention that “South Park” creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone are really evil overlords from a distant planet posing as irreverent cartoonists. What do you do?

BRIAN BOITANO: Ask them to take me to their planet.

Q10: You’re about to do a triple axel and you feel a muscle twitch. What do you do?

BRIAN BOITANO: Do it anyway.